Mental Reservation

November 27, 2009

One of the most important discoveries a man will make in his life is to discover his willy.
This generally happens when he is a child unless he is particularly short sighted or under endowed and, frankly, if you are the latter would you want glasses?

This love affair will mature with maturity and continue until death or diabetes.

With the gay man he will share and extend this love and, indeed, will tend to overshare in some circumstances.

Kitty says.

For it is written in the bible that wherever three or more gay men shall sitteth at the tableith then verily the conversation shall turn at some point to willies. (its at the back just before the index and acknowledgments).

It is not, however, only gay men however who are willie centric. Our friends in the Vatican (oh hallo girls) have a deep and abiding interest in the willy, its use or more particularly the timing of its usage and the locale of the usage.

In an ascending order of acceptable usage we have

Ooh that feels good

  • In your wife to make babies
  • In your wife for the hell of it but always possible there might be babies
  • In the general vicinity of your wife

Ooooh you are naughty

  • In your wife with no question of babies
  • Up your wife’s bum
  • In any woman who is not your wife
  • Up anyone’s bum
  • Up your boyfriends bum if you are married to him
  • Up your boyfriends bum
  • Anywhere in the vicinity of your boyfriend
  • Up the bum of that guy who’s a troll you met in a bar when you were hammered and it’s a bit of a morning mercy shag but what the hell.

So as you can see the Vatican girls have a lot to say about willies.

Except when they are attached to priests and up children.

Neither the Vatican, nor the Irish Papal nuncio responded to the Irish Commission of Investigation in to the Catholic Archdiocese of Dublin’s request for documentation on abuse cases concerning children.

At a press conference to discuss the Commissions finding the current Archbishop of Dublin “regretted” that the request were not answered.

So many “regrets” for more “hurt” heaped upon the victims.

Not perhaps as hurtful as being a child with a Priest’s willy inside you but distressing none the less.

The former Archbishop of the Dublin diocese, Desmond Connell, now Cardinal, was however terribly helpful in explaining the concept of “mental reservation” which is essentially a form of language who’s ambiguity you are aware may lead to an untrue belief but means you have not told a lie (in my trade we call it “legal drafting”).

The Commission helpfully provided an example: 

“John calls to the parish priest to make a complaint about the behaviour of one of his curates. The parish priest sees him coming but does not want to see him because he considers John to be a troublemaker. He sends another of his curates to answer the door. John asks the curate if the parish priest is in. The curate replies that he is not.”

The Commission added: “This is clearly untrue but in the Church’s view it is not a lie because, when the curate told John that the parish priest was not in, he mentally reserved the words ‘…to you’.”

John of course might have been calling to complain about the curate who was fucking his eight year old but that makes him no less a troublemaker.

Cardinal Connell used mental reservation to explain away his ex facie denial that Church funds had been used to settle civil cases taken by sex abuse victims. He had told journalists “that diocesan funds ARE [ report’s emphasis] not used for such a purpose; that he had not said that diocesan funds WERE not used for such a purpose. By using the present tense he had not excluded the possibility that diocesan funds had been used for such purpose in the past.”

He expanded upon this to say “you may be put in a position where you have to answer, and there may be circumstances in which you can use an ambiguous expression realising that the person who you are talking to will accept an untrue version of whatever it may be – permitting that to happen, not willing that it happened, that would be lying . . . So mental reservation is, in a sense, a way of answering without lying.”

So, in applying mental reservation we have not told a lie, we have merely allowed someone to believe an untrue version.

No harm done then Cardinal. Sleep well on the knowledge that your Church is now mentally as well as physically fucking its adherents.



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